Jamie is 4

Dear Jameson,

Today you turn FOUR. How is that possible? I still remember leaving the hospital after you came earth side and thinking, "So, they're just going to let me take this baby and keep it? Forever? I have no idea what I'm doing."

I'm sorry buddy, but most days I still have no idea what I'm doing. You have the distinct disadvantage of being the first everything. You were my first, and mostly failed, attempt at breastfeeding, my first (and only) attempt at sleep training. I spent so much time keeping track of feedings, and wake up times, trying to get you to soothe yourself, and waking you from sound sleeps so that you would sleep later. I wasted so much of our precious time together and caused us a lot of unnecessary stress, and I'm very sorry for that. You were my first attempt at potty training. We're still perfecting that one. In the fall you'll be the first that I send off to school.

I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I'm supposed to drop you off and put someone else in charge of caring for you. We've been partners in crime since the very beginning. You were the only one who didn't have to share me for any period of time. You got every ounce of me. I fondly think back to our days before I found out Isla was growing inside of me. Our midmorning naps together, our walks around the neighborhood together, where I felt silly talking to this tiny bundle against my chest, but still pointed out ever squirrel and flower that we came across, our late nights and early mornings in the dark, you fighting sleep, and me fighting to stay awake.

I cried when I found out I was pregnant again. Not because I didn't want your sister, I very much did, but because I suddenly felt selfish for forcing you to share me. The first time I saw you, I discovered the meaning of true, fiery, unconditional love. I was so terrified that it simply couldn't be possible to feel that again. While I now know that this is a love that multiples instead of divides, YOU were the one to teach me about this love. I'll never be able to thank you enough for that.

My biggest hope for you is that you find the same contagious happiness in life that you've given me for four years, because everyone deserves that kind of joy.

I love you Jameson, Happy birthday ❤